“The darker the night, the brighter the stars, 
The deeper the grief, the closer is God!” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Recently I lost the greatest woman on earth, my Nan Roberts. She had the sweetest soul, and held so much love for her children, grandchildren and God than I’ll ever know. We found out she had cancer, then a month later our family was laying her to rest. We didn’t have time to digest that she was ill before she already passed. The worst feeling I felt was that there was nothing anyone could do to help her. 

I grew up strongly Christian; my mom made sure we went to Sunday School every week, said our prayers and grew up learning values that every person should follow. As I grew older, I drifted from those roots. It wasn’t that I was a disbeliever, but other things were more important to me than going to church every Sunday or saying prayers before eating and sleeping. I still carried the values I was taught, but everything else got pushed to the back burner spiritually. 

My Nan knew what was happening. Her wish was that people wouldn’t be sad that she was gone, rather be happy for having her as long as we did. She said close to her death “if I have to die for my family to turn back to God, than that’s what I’ll do.”

My Nan’s death jolted me back to God. I was pulled back with mixed emotions. I would get mad, sad and confused all in the same minute. I used to lock myself in my room, dive under my sheets and ask God “Why her? Why did you have to take the best woman on Earth so soon? She didn’t deserve this!”. Even though I was mad and everything wasn’t making sense, I felt like God was telling me to open my arms back to Him. I was so upset and grieving all the time that it felt like nothing could get better again, until a voice somewhere back in my mind quietly whispered ‘yes it will’. I also started getting these vivid dreams of my Nan in places of solitude and then she would drift away with God. 

They were signs, all of them. I feel like my heart has changed and I have this will again to go back to church, talk to God and accept that what he does is for the best. I bet my nan is dancing around with angels right now, rejoicing because what she had hoped for before she died came true-our family all turned back to God with her passing. 

I miss you all the time, and I know you have become one of my Angels.