“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
― Albert Einstein
Who are we? Are we really the person that other people see? I feel like this is a question that I battle with in my own mind over and over, and it always seems to emerge when I am at conflict with something happening in my life. The world that exists in my mind, the unspoken part has turned into this utopia of chaotic disorder. I’m not trying to sound melodramatic, I am trying to organize my thoughts and I’m finally writing it out. It’s a little comforting to write- I am speaking but not with my voice which makes all this feel a little easier.
I’ve noticed a change in myself since the past summer, and it’s not a person I want to continue being. Things are duller, I’m not outgoing or sociable like I used to be, I get upset easier, and when I do my emotions take over and I shut down. Why ? My negative actions aren’t something I try to achieve, but somehow they always creep my way. . I want to hide in the smallest place I can find to try and quiet my mind. My mind, the consciousness within it and my physical body start a war with each other and nobody ever wins.
Perhaps the one place I can find quiet and clear my mind is when I am in my hubble of art. Whether it’s painting, drawing, skating, and newly working with digital photography I am somewhere in the quiet zone. When presented with this for my final photography project, I decided to take it and run. In the middle of being so upset over my mom’s never ending hospital stays, my finance, undetermined life in the summer months, and hopelessly missing my home I saw this project as the light to my dark tunnel. A chance to take a self portrait and reflect on myself, something I have needed to do for a while now. Maybe this will help me take control of my consciousness, and start me on the right path again.
This is just the beginning, let there be much more to come.